Blood Sabbath (1972)

Oh god, Pure Terror why do you punish me so?  Did I not purchase you from the cruel Amazon and give you a home?  Did I not put you on my media shelf?

Blood Sabbath, aka Aquelarre Sangriento, tells the story of a Vietnam vet named David wandering around and getting menaced by a van of no good dirty hippies.  But these hippies are a bit different!  Instead of love and peace, they prefer brooms to fly on and black cats!  Cuz they are witches!!!!

I'm not sure if this movie was cut or something, because I had a hell of a time following it.  At one point the guy is being assaulted by a group of naked ladies, the next he is frolicking with a lady from the lake, then hanging out at a bar with a priest and some hobo guy.  The priest character is hilarious as he's got this great mustache and is constantly getting angry and shouting at people for the lamest of reasons (like the evil witch queen attempting to seduce him with naked ladies, or the "hero" begging him to steal his soul [can priests do that???]).

David is the lamest of heroes.  He just wanders around, having some flashbacks, dreaming about his lady from the lake, menacingly kicking over buckets of water whilst shouting.  I don't recall him really doing much of anything other than trying to find a way to get rid of his soul so that he can be with his water nymph.

The movie is just an excuse to show naked ladies running around for like 80 minutes—hey guys, no complaint here AM I RIGHT—but other than that there is really nothing here.  Not worth a watch.

The Manster (1962)

I knew it was too good to be true.  After the excellent Hands of Steel, here comes Pure Terror with another one of those boring, talky early 60s sci-fi horror/sci-fi flicks.

Larry, an American foreign news correspondent, is in Japan on his latest assignment to interview the eccentric Dr. Suzuki.  Before you know it though, Dr. Suzuki has injected Larry with some experimental drug and Larry is growing an extra head out of his shoulder and going around killing people.

Don't get me wrong.  That part is cool.  The problem with this movie is that I have pretty much summed up everything worth mentioning about this movie in just under 50 words.  And yet the movie is, like, 70 minutes long or something.

So in between what passes for action or even plot in this movie, you get the standard scenes of people standing there in a room expositionin' at one another.  There's also this subplot about how Larry's marriage is on the rocks, so you get some heated phone conversations.  Rather than being some comical misunderstanding where Larry is cleared in the end, actually he is over in Japan getting drunk and cavorting with women, the slug.

So I don't know if you are supposed to relate to Larry, or feel bad for him or what, because he is kinda sleazy (and murders people and has a monster head growing out of his shoulder).  Who are we rooting for here?

Well, this movie was terrible, and now a picture is forming in my mind to explain why I gave up watching this set for so long.  Disc 2 was a complete wash, with garbage like The Thirsty Dead and (shudder) The Werewolf of Washington, and Disc 3 is not looking much better.

Hands of Steel (1986)

Oh wow.  Oh.  Wow.  What was I thinking?  Right after the horrible The Thirsty Dead, we have this masterpiece.  Do some basic research and you will see that this movie was originally titled Vendetta dal futuro, and if you are familiar at all with the kinds of movies I cover on this blog, you will realize that we have struck ITALIAN GOLD.

Hands of Steel is the story of a guy with robot hands who is programmed to assassinate a political rival of the evil government.  He then goes into hiding, falls in love, does a lot of arm wrestling, and then has to face the government that created him if he wants to hold on to his humanity (using his robot hands).

So this movie is like Over the Top combined with, uh, one of those cyborg movies where the Over the Top.  So yes, just another example of Hollywood shamelessly copying cheap Italian genre flicks.
cyborg has to fight evil to hold on to his humanity.  Or at least, I was going to say that, but this came out BEFORE

You better like arm wrestling, because that is like 30% of the movie.  It's like Terminator 2 but instead of shooting people, Arnold just arm wrestles them.  Or West Side Story where the gangs arm wrestle instead of dance.  Unfortunately there is no point to the arm wrestling, because our hero has robot hands so he is destined to win.

Even without any suspense whatsoever and all that pointless arm wrestling, this is a fun one to spend a boring night watching.  Highly recommended.

The Thirsty Dead (1974)

Somebody get these dead a drink!

Alternate opening "joke."
SO ARE THEY THIRSTY OR DEAD? WHICH IS IT FELLAS?

This Pure Terror set has really demotivated me.  Disc 1 had some really fun movies on it, but from then on its been discs and discs of horrible movies.

The Thirsty Dead starts off strong with a title that makes you think you will be in for some great Italian zombie ripoff movie.  I even liked the title screen.  Then you get some go-go dancing and you are certain you are going to be in for a great 70 minutes or whatever.

BUT WAIT.  This movie actually just sucks.  Women are getting kidnapped and brought to a magical island with some cult of people in futuristic clothes.  Turns out it's a cult of vampires or something because they need the blood of women to stay young and alive.

UGHHHH this movie is horrible.  I've watching it two or three times but I lose interest and end up doing research on wikipedia on different types of potatoes or detailed production history notes on Family Ties.  It has single-handedly stopped me from posting on my beloved blog for, like, five years or something.

Well, I am not gonna let this movie control my life!  I am taking the reins of my own destiny sled and driving that sled on through the snow and the rain of these horrible movies.

There.  That should be long enough so that the text all wraps around that poster.  Next movie!